The Invisible Wall: When Postpartum Anxiety Prevents Shared Parenting

Postpartum anxiety (PPA) is a challenging and often invisible condition that affects many new mothers. The overwhelming feeling of hypervigilance can make it incredibly difficult to share parenting responsibilities, even with a loving and capable partner. 

If you’re a new mom who struggles with PPA, you might find yourself constantly on edge, worried that something will go wrong, even when your baby is safe and well cared for. Thoughts like, "What if they drop the baby? What if they forget to check on him?" become all-consuming, and caregiving shifts from a joyful choice to a necessity driven by fear. 

Why Postpartum Anxiety Fuels Hypervigilance and Difficulty Delegating Tasks 

Postpartum anxiety is not just a psychological experience; it’s physiological too. It triggers the brain’s fear centre—the amygdala—into overdrive. This makes everything feel like a potential threat, even when there’s no real danger. 

Moms dealing with PPA often experience compulsive checking behaviours, like repeatedly checking the baby monitor or making sure everything is in place, just to feel at ease. This kind of constant vigilance leaves little room for others to help, especially when it comes to the baby. 

The Anxiety Behind Postpartum Anxiety: What It Really Feels Like 

When a partner offers to help, many moms with PPA instantly start thinking about everything that could go wrong. What if they hold the baby wrong? What if they make the milk too hot? These thoughts can quickly escalate into an overwhelming sense of danger. As a result, many moms take over tasks to regain control, even when it leads to exhaustion. 

The vicious cycle looks like this: a partner offers to help, but the mom takes over or doesn’t allow help at all. The partner withdraws, feeling helpless, and the mom feels more isolated and unsupported. The anxiety continues to spiral, making it harder for both parents to connect and share the load. 

Understanding the Root Causes of Postpartum Anxiety 

PPA doesn’t arise from a single cause, it’s a complex mix of hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, personality traits, and past experiences. If you’ve had anxiety before pregnancy, the stakes feel higher with the added responsibility of a baby. 

• Hormonal Shifts: The sharp decrease in hormones after childbirth can make new moms more vulnerable to stress.

• Sleep Deprivation: Lack of sleep is another major trigger for PPA. The constant caregiving demands leave little time for rest, making anxiety worse. 

• Psychological Factors: Moms with a history of anxiety or specific expectations around motherhood are more likely to develop PPA. 

Studies show that PPA affects 11% to 21% of new mothers. Understanding its root causes can help in treating it effectively. 

How Postpartum Anxiety Impacts Relationships 

Postpartum anxiety doesn’t just affect the mom, it creates distance in the relationship with her partner and even the baby. The anxiety-driven need to control everything can slowly isolate both parents from each other. 

Here’s an example: Mom notices the baby fussing while her partner prepares a bottle. Immediately, her mind races with fears: What if they’re holding the baby wrong? What if they make the milk too hot? The result? The partner may feel unappreciated, leading to tension, while the mom feels more alone. 

This cycle can alienate both partners, making them feel disconnected, misunderstood, and isolated. And as the primary caregiver, the mom may feel increasingly resentful, as the constant anxiety drains her emotionally and physically. 

How Postpartum Anxiety Can Also Alienate One Parent from the Baby 

In addition to affecting the relationship between partners, postpartum anxiety can also alienate one parent from the baby. As the anxious parent takes over all caregiving tasks to ensure everything is done "correctly," they unintentionally create a barrier between their partner and the baby. 

In some cases, the partner may feel like an outsider in their own home, as they are gradually shut out from the baby’s care. This can cause tension, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy in the partner, who may feel they are not trusted to care for the baby. Over time, this emotional divide can make the partner feel less connected to the baby, reinforcing the anxious parent’s belief that they are the only one capable of providing the right care. 

4 Practical Steps to Overcome Postpartum Anxiety and Build a Stronger Relationship 

If you’re struggling with postpartum anxiety and feeling overwhelmed, there are steps you can take to rebuild your relationship with your partner and regain a sense of control.

1. Create a Daily Check-In Routine 

Create space each day to check in with each other emotionally.

Ask simple questions like:

• What felt hard for you today? 

• What helped you feel supported today? 

• What did I do that you appreciated today? 

This encourages open communication and ensures both partners feel heard and supported.

2. Divide Responsibilities Fairly 

Talk with your partner about how responsibilities can be shared in a way that makes both of you feel seen and valued. It could start with non-baby-related tasks like cooking meals or tidying up, and gradually include baby care as the anxiety lessens. 

3. Make the Anxiety the Problem, not Each Other 

PPA is not a reflection of your partner’s abilities or your own worth as a parent, it’s a product of anxiety. Reinforce the idea that the anxiety is the issue, not the relationship: 

• “The anxiety is driving us apart, not each other.” 

• “I feel overwhelmed when I can’t trust myself to let go, but I’m working on it.” 

This helps prevent blame and reinforces that the anxiety is the enemy. 

4. Affirm Each Other’s Efforts 

External affirmations matter. Compliment each other on efforts, no matter how small: 

• “You were so patient with the baby today. You’re doing amazing.” 

• “Thank you for helping me take a break—I really needed it.” 

How Therapy Can Help: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy

If these steps feel difficult to implement on your own, therapy can help. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for postpartum anxiety. It helps you recognize and reframe the anxious thoughts that fuel PPA. For example, when you feel the need to check on your baby multiple times, CBT encourages you to ask, “Is this true? What’s the evidence?” 

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a couples therapy that can help rebuild trust and communication between partners. It’s rooted in attachment theory and helps couples slow down, become vulnerable, and rebuild emotional connection. 

Together, CBT and EFT can help you manage your anxiety and repair your relationship with your partner, making it easier to share parenting duties and feel more confident in your role as a mom. 

You are not Alone 

Postpartum anxiety is treatable, and you don’t have to do this alone. There are many resources available, and reaching out for help is a brave step toward healing. 

At Toronto Therapy Practice, we are here to support you through this journey, helping you reconnect with your partner, your baby, and yourself.